Turning Up the Heat

The Hot Ones season 25 lineup of hot sauces
All ten sauces, nicely arranged

Years ago, probably during one of the UK covid lockdowns, I saw someone, somewhere mention Hot Ones. I turned on an episode, enjoyed it, and kept watching. At the time, I thought that if I ever did sell a novel, maybe I could get on Hot Ones to promote it. I like spicy food, and Sean Evans seems like the kind of guy who would enjoy talking about books. Since then, I’ve given up hope. Hot Ones has exploded in popularity and now has A list celebrities far beyond even the most famous SFF writers, never mind a debutante that still hasn’t sold that novel.

Since I am unlikely to go on Hot Ones, I decided to bring Hot Ones to me. After two months of plotting it, I finally made it happen this weekend.

Baked chicken wings
The baked wings had less flavor than the grilled wings, but that let the sauces shine through

Despite the “two months of plotting,” I spent more time hyping it up to get some fellow sufferers to join me and not much time actually planning the whole thing. The youngest child and I made a Saturday morning run to Costco and Walmart. My mother-in-law had already picked up a big pile of wings since we were staying with her, and my father-in-law grilled half of them while I baked the other half. I put a coating of salt and pepper on all the wings. Without sauces, the grilled wings were the clear winners, but the baked wings were really nice for their neutral flavor once we added sauce. I didn’t sauce the wings in advance, unlike the show. I wasn’t sure how many people were going to participate, and I wasn’t sure how many would get to the end. We dosed each wing as we went.

I also prepped by picking up some IPA, cider, milk, yogurt, and ice cream. I don’t know how much the IPA and cider helped with the heat, but they paired nicely with the wings. The ice cream came in clutch. More on that later.

The Hot Ones lineup card with descriptions and scoville units
The lineup card with the vendor descriptions of each sauce

The tasting started with The Classic Hot Ones sauce. It was a fairly basic hot sauce. If someone served it to me on wings and put out some blue cheese or ranch dipping sauces, I wouldn’t complain. It’s a good sauce, if slightly basic compared to what came later. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 1,800 scoville units.

Sauce two was Little Dick’s “Ghost Pepper Pear.” I expected more heat from the “ghost pepper” in the name, but it was totally fine. Mild, even. The fruit flavor came through and was really enjoyable. Multiple people commented on liking it. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 6,900 scoville units. I didn’t find it particularly hotter than sauce one.

Sauce three was Neil’s Real Deal “Smoked Onion.” It was thick and dark, with strong onion flavor that blended well with the tamarind and molasses. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 17,000 scoville units. Once again, the heat didn’t feel noticeably worse than the prior sauces.

Sauce four was Los Caliente Verde. It tasted like a salsa verde with lots of tomatillo and serrano. It wasn’t quite as thick as the smoked onion. I really enjoyed this. So did the eldest child. I’ve seen internet reviews rating this sauce really highly, too. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 36,000 scoville units. It might have been a little hotter than the previous two, but it was still really well balanced and delicious.

Apple Caraway hot sauce with melted wax seal
The apple caraway sauce was Carissa’s favorite. It was delicious.

Sauce five was Dawson’s Hot Sauce “Apple Caraway.” This sauce was legit. From the melted wax seal to the sweet heat with apple and habanero both coming through. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 52,000 scoville units. I didn’t feel like it was particularly hot. Carissa really enjoyed this one and commented again a day later how much she liked it, and she’s not a big fan of spicy food.

Sauce six was Pepper North’s “Scotch Bonnet & Jerk.” I really liked this one, too. The tasting card lists ginger, allspice, nutmeg, cinnamon, and thyme as key components of the jerk flavor. I believe it. The heat was there, but so was the flavor. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 71,000 scoville units.

Sauce seven was Pepper Ninja’s “Ninja Napalm.” This is the first one where I thought, “okay, that’s actually pretty spicy.” It hits with the heat and the flavor, and then the heat lingers a bit. At this point I went ahead and broke out a yogurt cup and had a few bites. I didn’t love this one, even on the second and third tastings (yes, I went back for more later.) It’s not bad, it’s just a bit more vinegary. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 133,000 scoville units.

There are few things in life that are hyped for years and then still live up to expectations. I dare say that “Da Bomb,” sauce number eight, is one of them. This was “Da Bomb Evolution” rather than “Da Bomb Beyond Insanity.” It. Was. Hot. And it lingered. I tried to douse the flames with the yogurt, but that wasn’t enough. At this point I sped around the in-laws’ kitchen table and grabbed the vanilla ice cream from the freezer. I took a couple scoops, offered it to my brother and my father-in-law (we were the canaries in the coal mine), and promptly ate half the bowl. The ice cream helped massively. The lineup card listed Da Bomb as having 135,600 scoville units. It tasted way hotter than sauce seven’s 133k scoville units.

Having seen the show, I knew that sauce nine wasn’t going to be quite as brutal. It was Fresco Sauce’s “Arbol Scorpion.” I won’t lie to you–this sauce is hot. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 820,000 scoville units. It might have been hotter than Da Bomb. I would believe it. But it wasn’t quite as brutal in how it snuck up on you and then lingered.

Sauce ten, the Last Dab Xperience was… fine. Hot, of course. But doable. Once you’ve survived Da Bomb, you’ve crossed the peak.

As mentioned above, I went back for more. On the first pass through, I was saucing one side of a wing, eating it, and then saucing the other side. After about seven wings and “finishing” the sauce list, I was still hungry. I went back through sauces two through seven, skipped Da Bomb, and tried sauce nine again. Anything between two and six is genuinely delicious and I’d use them any time I’m grilling. Seven I’d use when I personally want some more heat. Nine I’d use when someone else says “I love spicy food, hit me.” Maybe I’d consider putting a teaspoon of Da Bomb into a chili or something–which is what the manufacturer (they’re based in KCK) recommends–but it’s not something I’d serve on a regular basis. The Last Dab is pure heat without much flavor. It’s worth the experience, but I want more flavor with my heat.

Special shout outs to my in-laws for hosting (and tasting (and cooking)), my brother-in-law, my brother, Carissa, our girls, and a couple of the eldest child’s friends who enjoyed the journey with me. Missouri loves company, right?

The whole experience was a lot of fun. I expected more of an ordeal, both during and after, but that wasn’t the case. Maybe we didn’t use enough of sauce on the wings? Except we were coating them pretty well. Maybe the ice cream helped too much? If so, I have no regrets. I’d do the whole thing again, for sure, especially if Sean Evans wants to talk books.

New Story – The World at the End of the Bar

Anonymous people in a digital future

I have a new story out this week, “The World at the End of the Bar” in the “Inter Librarian Loan” anthology from Air and Nothingness Press. This is my third story with Air and Nothingness, and it’s maybe the strangest story I’ve had published. The story came from a submission call from Todd Sanders, the editor, who reached out to authors who contributed to his previous Librarian anthology calls. The idea was that those authors could opt-in to having their stories used by other authors to tell an alternative version of the original story. A divergence.

I made my story “Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse” from October 2023 available, and I chose to work with Waverly x Night’s “The Bar at the End of the World.” I took the world Waverly created and imagined how the story could have continued and how her character Xoa could have returned from retirement to help his former student save the world she created.

It was a fun experiment, and I think it resulted in a fun story.

What A Year

An orange kitten in a regal Halloween costume
My name is Inigo Montoya. You stole me from my mother. Prepare to die.

November 5, 2023 was the last day we were in England as a family before moving back to the US. What a year it has been. In the last twelve months we’ve moved continents, graduated high school, bought a house, moved to a new state, changed jobs twice, and adopted another cat. And then, on November 5, 2024, America decided to buy a ticket for the Trump Rodeo, round 2.

“Do you miss London?” people ask me. Yes. Regularly, especially when I see a Tottenham or Brentford match and think “I could have been at that one.” Also when chatting with friends and thinking “we should nip out to the pub.” Also when America elects a guy who talks about his political rivals getting shot. But at the same time, all the very good family, job, and education-related reasons that compelled us to come back are still true.

A regal border collie
Aela, fully alert and ready to herd

The eldest child was able to finish her senior year of high school in the US at the school where she started kindergarten all those years ago. That included senior photos, senior prom, and graduation. The younger child was able to play on the high school soccer team and get involved in ice skating, a sport she’s come to love. I don’t know that the education is better here vs there. The way the kids describe it, it’s less stressful here. You have more freedom to choose interesting classes here and to pivot if you realize you don’t enjoy what you’re studying. Classes are overall more structured in England, and extra-curriculars are more varied in America. I’d say that education for our corner of England up to about 9th grade is probably stronger, but the pressure on kids in 10th and 12th grade is much higher than it is here.

The house and new state go hand in hand. We’ve settled in the Kansas City suburbs. We bought a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood, but we miss being able to walk down to Twickenham High Street to swing by the fruit stall and the butcher. I miss catching a train home after a football match and a pint or four. We recently went to the Nelson Atkins Museum, and it was super nice, but we couldn’t help compare it to the museums in London and say things like “well, the Brits stole way better artifacts from Egypt,” or “the impressionist exhibit at the Tate Modern was so much bigger.” Actually the second sentence is a lie. The Impressionist exhibit at Nelson Atkins was super legit. Big up, KC.

Orange kitten and black and white cat meeting
Fezzik meeting his new brother

What is undeniably better about living in an American suburb is the space and the “niceness.” Our house is not 140 years old like our first place in London was. It doesn’t have a mildew problem. It’s twice the size of the London house. It has a yard! It cost us less than half as much as buying in London would have. And we’re 3-4 hours of driving to see family, not 18 hours of taxis and flights. (We’re even about 20 minutes from one of my cousins.)

I managed to get out to Kansas Motor Speedway with said cousin and take in a race. It was an experience. I’m not in a rush to get back, but I enjoyed the day out and would consider going again. It helps to have someone who is very knowledgeable about the sport and can explain the nuances. I’ll have to take him to soccer sometime and return the favor, but maybe with less knowledge about the local team.

Changed jobs twice? Yeah… The first time was looking to do something different after 13 years at the old place. I landed at another insurance technology company doing some neat things with AI. Then that turned into doing some neat things with AI plus some not-so-neat things with mainframe to cloud migrations, which turned into just doing not-so-neat things with mainframe to cloud migrations. I’ve moved on to a job at an insurance company where I’m back to doing neat things with technology, including AI.

Another cat? Yeah, so recently I had another birthday (they just keep happening and I can’t work out how to make them stop), and the girls decided that I should receive a cat for my birthday. This is what they told me. I don’t believe them, precisely, but the cat is still here. He’s roughly 8 weeks old, and basically a terror. He’s super cute, but he’s also very much a kitten. He lives in my office where he can be supervised, so I’ve taken to wearing old jeans and multiple layers of shirts to protect myself from the needles on his paws when he tries to climb me. With a brother named Fezzik, it seemed only appropriate that he be named Inigo Montoya.

The writing has been slower this year. I’ve written a few short stories and had a couple of sales, but I’ve been distracted by everything else and taken comfort in video games and reading. I feel like I have many more short stories and novels in me, so that’s something I’ll get back to doing.

The running is in a similar state to the writing. I’ve been doing 10-15 miles a week with more when the weather is cooperative. I did not appreciate the heat and humidity of the Midwest. I had plans to run the KC Marathon, which turned into plans to run the KC half-marathon, which turned into running a 5k with Carissa and our cousin’s wife. I finished in 24:40, which was good enough for second in my age group. They even gave me a special medal for it. I guess the secret to medaling at races is to move out of London and run in much, much smaller events.

So here we are in the waning days of autumn, wondering how dark the winter will be. All I know for sure is that the sun will rise tomorrow, and there will be work that needs to be done.

Dad and the kitten
My new coworker doesn’t respect personal space

Premier League 24/25 Predictions

I’m posting this halfway through match week 1, but in my defense I made the rankings on Thursday evening and needed more time to add some snark.

  1. Manchester City – The machine rolls on until Guardiola gets bored or the 115 charges catch up to them
  2. Spurs – Second season Ange optimism
  3. Liverpool – TBD on how the era under Slot goes, but so long as he has Mo Salalalalah running down the wing, I reckon things will go okay
  4. Arsenal – As low as I could reasonably put them
  5. Newcastle – Lack of CL helps them climb back up the table
  6. Chelsea – I’m assuming Maresca figures out a decent 11 out of the 50 odd first team wonderkids they have. Or he gets sacked and Chelsea finish… about 6th
  7. Villa – Overachieved last season and won’t be able to rotate as much in the CL as they did in the UECL
  8. Manchester United – Mid-table dross, you love to see it
  9. Brighton – Three players you’ve never heard of will have them flirting with European qualification and be sold next summer for a combined 200m
  10. Palace – Seem to be recruiting well and safely mid-table
  11. Everton – Assuming there isn’t another points deduction, but even if there is Dyches remains a wizard and will keep them up
  12. Brentford – idk, could be 8th, could be 17th
  13. Fulham – A mid-table team, but I mean that as a compliment this time
  14. Forest – Probably overrating them, but I think Nuno will keep them safe
  15. West Ham – Safe from both relegation and entertainment
  16. Bournemouth – Could be okay. Could go down with their talisman now at Hotspur Way.
  17. Leicester – I believe in Winksy
  18. Wolves – Feels like they might slip on the banana peel this year
  19. Ipswich – tbqh I don’t know much about them, but what I do know reminds me of 2023/2024 Luton Town, for better and for worse
  20. Southampton – It had to be someone

New Story: Enough for Today

Gratuitous Aela helping me post this pic

I have a new story out in the Madam President anthology from B Cubed Press. “Enough for Today” is the story of a volunteer who talks people down from the edge, and how one good deed can lead to another and another, saving the world one life at a time.

2023 Writing Summary & Awards Eligibility

By all rational measures, 2023 was a good year of writing for me. Five stories published, another novel completed, and nine new short stories written. I also updated my Bibliography page to have links to many of my stories that are behind paywalls but where the rights have reverted to me.

Gratuitous Aela photo
Gratuitous Aela photo. She enjoyed helping herd cows back into their field.

The published stories included Self from Self (Nature Futures), Dave the Terrible (Flash Fiction Online), and Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse (The Librarian Card Catalogue), which were all originally published in 2023 and eligible for the major SFF awards in the short story category. I also had reprints of Retirement Options for (Too) Successful Space Entrepreneurs in best of British SF and First Sergeant Xelos Nestory’s Christmas List, care of Admiral Almay, Seventh Fleet, Interstellar Navy in Dread Space: Volume 2.

The novel is finished, but no novel is ever really finished until it’s published. One of the agents I sent it to provided some feedback that I think makes good sense, so I have some revision to do to the ending, and that will hopefully be done when I have some time off over the holidays.

The nine short stories included Dave the Terrible and Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse, plus two more that are revised and making the rounds at short story markets. That does mean there are five others that I haven’t completely revised and are basically dead. It’s been a tough year for maintaining focus, so I’m trying hard to see the positives in writing some stories, selling some stories, and getting the novel polished so I could query it.

Looking ahead to next year, my goals are relatively small. Draft another 9-10 short stories, edit 3-5 of them to a level that I feel good about submitting them, start a new novel, and start serious work on two non-fiction projects. I’ve no shortage of ideas for the new novel, but I’m still trying to find one that I won’t mind dedicating another year (or more) of my life to working on. The non-fiction projects include a football (soccer) book about my time in London and a cookbook for the eldest child to take to college with her. I don’t know if I’ll accomplish all those, but at least they give me a direction.

Here’s to 2024, everyone.

New Story & New Poem Days

Amid all the furor of the move and the trip to Italy, I had two new publications come out in anthologies over the last two months.

My story “Three Matches and the Unlit Fuse” appeared in The Librarian Card Catalogue, a beautiful anthology in the form of stories printed on card catalogs. (My children are scratching their heads at the words “card” and “catalog” used together.) This was my first solicited story and one heavily inspired by the last few years of living in Britain. The anthology is a limited edition, and it’s so pretty.

The second story is not actually a story at all. It’s a poem. Except, it was a story, originally. “A Particle Accelerator Love Song” is a scientifically accurate* poem / romance featured in Qualia Nous: Vol. 2.

I’m proud of this story. It’s been on a journey to find its way to print. I wrote it years ago, and while my faith in it wavered as the rejections piled up, I never truly gave up hope.

It’s a story that I thought was an excellent concept and that I sent out 20+ times, trying to find it a home. After it had been through every market I could find, I let it sit a while. As in “years.” When I came back and re-read it, I saw what was missing: shape. The words are nearly identical to the original prose, but it’s been reshaped to enhance the rhythm and the visual layout.

This is far from my first anthology appearance, but it is my first time being pulished in the same table of contents as Steven King. And Chuck Palahniuk. So that’s fun.

I have another story that’s been rejected a few times, has something to say that I think the world should hear, and will likely get a similar treatment. It’s been a long time since I wrote poetry, and I’m finding that it scratches a different itch than my usual prose.

*mostly accurate with some poetic license

Italy and a New Chapter

We’ve just come home from our last big European family trip for the foreseeable future. We visited Rome, Florence, and Venice over the course of a week. It wasn’t enough time in any one place to do it justice, but it was enough to visit the belly of the Roman Empire, the heart of Renaissance Italy, and that canal city that the eldest child has been dying to visit ever since she saw an episode of Wonder Pets about Venice when she was four.

The author and Carissa overlooking the Foro Romano at night

Rome 

My travels over the last five years have taken me to a number of the big European capitals. Paris, Madrid, Lisbon, Dublin, and of course London. Rome, I dare say, outshines them all. It is a city built by emperors to impress the barbarians. The emperors succeeded, and the Italians that followed them have added to the grandeur. You cannot turn a corner without running into a temple, a cathedral, or a statue-limned fountain. It is not hard for me to imagine the kings of England and France sitting in their squalid barbarian villages out there on the edge of what was once a mighty empire and gazing towards Rome with hearts full of envy. They have tried to build their own imperial monuments, but they were merely children wearing their father’s clothes. And I say that as someone who has loved my years in London. 

The Foro Romano as seen from Palatine Hill

The Vatican tour was worth doing if you’re ever in the area. The guided tour was okay. The best part was probably seeing the Sistine Chapel, which I found to be more impressive than I expected. It’s a chapel, not a cathedral, but it’s still a pretty big chapel. The guided tour also had the benefit of giving us a shortcut from the Sistine Chapel to St. Peter’s Basilica. St. Pete’s was impressive in scale and grandeur, and seeing Michaelangelo’s Pieta in person was a highlight. 

You aren’t supposed to take photos in the Sistine Chapel. That rule seemed to stop absolutely no one, but I tried to be sneaky, anyway.

Trevi Fountain, the Spanish steps, and Piazza Navona were fine. Complete tourist traps, and we strolled through them, took photos, and moved on. I don’t regret seeing them, but I’m in no hurry to see them again. The Foro Romano, on the other hand, I’d love to revisit and spend a few hours.

The gelato at Otaleg in Trastevere

Food in Rome is like food in most European capitals. You can hit a homerun with one meal (that’s like hitting a six, cricket fans) and strike out the next. We had some wonderful meals at Da Enzo al 29 and Pasta E Vino in the Trastevere area. If I were to return to Rome, I’d look to stay in Trastevere for the sheer quantity of amazing food within a five minute walk. We also had some amazing gelato at Otaleg in Trastevere and at Fatamorgana in Centro. While I loved the gelato, I honestly think Midwestern frozen custard compares well. The dish that really impressed me was the tiramisu. The four of us split a tiramisu at pretty much every dinner. They were all good, though the presentation at Pasta E Vino won for having a birthday sparkler in it. 

The author and a birthday tiramisu

Florence

We took the train from Rome to Florence. My fellow Americans, you don’t know what you’re missing out on when it comes to high speed rail. The train was running at 150 miles an hour, and it took us from city center to city center in about two hours. We walked to the hotel in Florence and immediately went exploring. We only had prebooked tickets for one museum, which in retrospect was a mistake. I wish we had been able to see the Uffizi Gallery in addition to the Firenze Museum. I booked the Firenze Museum mostly to see David. The statue of David was, like much of the rest of Italy, huge and impressive. Those Italians really understood how to impress barbarians.

The scale of David is obvious as soon as you turn the corner and see him. It’s no wonder Michaelangelo didn’t try to sculpt Goliath to scale.

We had dinner at Osteria Vecchio. It was superlative. The restaurant was a 15 minute walk from the middle of Florence, but I think that worked in its favor. My new hypothesis is that if your restaurant or food truck is within view of a queue at a major attraction, it’s probably an over-priced tourist trap. Going a few blocks away from the Colosseum or Trevi Fountain or–in the case of Florence–the Duomo can make a huge difference in quality and/or price. 

One night in Florence was not remotely enough. I’d love to spend a few days and go out to some of the surrounding countryside, too.

Venice

Venice itself is surreal. Being there felt like being in a city from a fantasy novel. They really don’t have cars. They really do get around with boats. There are so many little islands (and so many little bridges). 

The author and Carissa at Ponte Rialto.

Dinner was at La Colombina, which is seafood-oriented, but has some non-seafood dishes, too. It was another homerun. Every dish was excellent, but I’ll give a particular shoutout to the six piece appetizer selection for having a variety of vegetable and seafood-forward things whose names I don’t remember, but were all delicious. Carissa wants to give a special shoutout to the scallops, too. 

Months ago I asked the girls what they wanted to do on this trip. There was one clear and obvious winner: gondola ride. We did one. It was good. I’d do it again, especially if it wasn’t cold and rainy. 

Venetian houses as seen from the canal
The architecture of Venice, as seen from a gondola

Overall

It was a wonderful trip. My only regret is that I would have liked to do a few more things. When we moved to London, it was with trips like this in mind. We managed three big European adventures to Paris, Santorini, and Italy during our five years. We’ve also had some smaller adventures to Dublin, Inverness, and a few cities in the UK. This trip marked the turning of a page in the Baldwin family story. Tomorrow morning we fly back to the United States for good to start a new chapter in our lives. We’re sad to be leaving London, the United Kingdom, and Europe, but we’re excited about seeing more of our family back home and the opportunities in the States. 

Two Guinesses on a patio overlooking the Thames

Premier League 2023/2024 Predictions

I’ve been making bad Premier League predictions for a number of years, and I’m back for another chance to look foolish.

I’ve also added commentary sure to piss off someone. Yes, yes, I know that I’m an idiot and wrong.

  1. Manchester City – the machine rolls on
  2. Arsenal – the team is improved from last season’s heights but also they don’t have Haaland
  3. Liverpool – revamped midfield fixes their biggest problem last season
  4. Spurs – no Europe to impede Angeball plus GK and defensive improvements
  5. Manchester United – one Casemiro injury from being Badchester United
  6. Newcastle – overachieved last season without Europe; still good, but not that good. Yet.
  7. Chelsea – underachieved last season, but still a mess in terms of team structure
  8. Brighton – well-run team with seemingly endless depth, but also going to be dealing with Thursday night Europa League matches
  9. Villa – doesn’t have the depth to increase league position while also playing in eastern Europe on Thursday nights
  10. West Ham – Set Piece FC if JWP is taking free kicks for Maguire and Soucek to nod home. hot take: they either finish top half or get relegated after Moyes is sacked
  11. Fulham – probably okay unless Mitrovic leaves for Saudi
  12. Brentford – probably a slight decline with Raya leaving and Toney missing half the season
  13. Everton – Sean Dyche is a wizard, and Everton will concede 45 goals or less
  14. Crystal Palace – Roy keeps them decent for one more season
  15. Nottingham Forest – they survived last year and maybe the squad all know each other’s names by now
  16. Bournemouth – lucky last season, but there are worse teams, such as:
  17. Burnley – will be fun to watch despite being outclassed by 16 other sides
  18. Sheffield Utd – could finish a few spots higher; could be relegated. idk
  19. Wolves – already had their coach quit and the season hasn’t even started
  20. Luton – “we’re just happy to be here”

New Story Day: Dave the Terrible

I have a new story out today at Flash Fiction Online.

Dave the Terrible never wanted the unholy scepter, but you couldn’t refuse your mother’s dying wish. He hefted the gilt scepter from his nightstand each morning and used it to gaze upon the past and the present and sometimes even the future. It had come with a mist-cloaked fortress in the mountains that had a stone fireplace and a cozy library, so things weren’t all bad.

Dave the Terrible

This was a difficult one, both thematically and in terms of craft. It deals with grief and depression as seen through a fantasy lens. Getting the balance right between fantasy and reality was a challenge.

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