Years ago, probably during one of the UK covid lockdowns, I saw someone, somewhere mention Hot Ones. I turned on an episode, enjoyed it, and kept watching. At the time, I thought that if I ever did sell a novel, maybe I could get on Hot Ones to promote it. I like spicy food, and Sean Evans seems like the kind of guy who would enjoy talking about books. Since then, I’ve given up hope. Hot Ones has exploded in popularity and now has A list celebrities far beyond even the most famous SFF writers, never mind a debutante that still hasn’t sold that novel.
Since I am unlikely to go on Hot Ones, I decided to bring Hot Ones to me. After two months of plotting it, I finally made it happen this weekend.
Despite the “two months of plotting,” I spent more time hyping it up to get some fellow sufferers to join me and not much time actually planning the whole thing. The youngest child and I made a Saturday morning run to Costco and Walmart. My mother-in-law had already picked up a big pile of wings since we were staying with her, and my father-in-law grilled half of them while I baked the other half. I put a coating of salt and pepper on all the wings. Without sauces, the grilled wings were the clear winners, but the baked wings were really nice for their neutral flavor once we added sauce. I didn’t sauce the wings in advance, unlike the show. I wasn’t sure how many people were going to participate, and I wasn’t sure how many would get to the end. We dosed each wing as we went.
I also prepped by picking up some IPA, cider, milk, yogurt, and ice cream. I don’t know how much the IPA and cider helped with the heat, but they paired nicely with the wings. The ice cream came in clutch. More on that later.
The tasting started with The Classic Hot Ones sauce. It was a fairly basic hot sauce. If someone served it to me on wings and put out some blue cheese or ranch dipping sauces, I wouldn’t complain. It’s a good sauce, if slightly basic compared to what came later. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 1,800 scoville units.
Sauce two was Little Dick’s “Ghost Pepper Pear.” I expected more heat from the “ghost pepper” in the name, but it was totally fine. Mild, even. The fruit flavor came through and was really enjoyable. Multiple people commented on liking it. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 6,900 scoville units. I didn’t find it particularly hotter than sauce one.
Sauce three was Neil’s Real Deal “Smoked Onion.” It was thick and dark, with strong onion flavor that blended well with the tamarind and molasses. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 17,000 scoville units. Once again, the heat didn’t feel noticeably worse than the prior sauces.
Sauce four was Los Caliente Verde. It tasted like a salsa verde with lots of tomatillo and serrano. It wasn’t quite as thick as the smoked onion. I really enjoyed this. So did the eldest child. I’ve seen internet reviews rating this sauce really highly, too. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 36,000 scoville units. It might have been a little hotter than the previous two, but it was still really well balanced and delicious.
Sauce five was Dawson’s Hot Sauce “Apple Caraway.” This sauce was legit. From the melted wax seal to the sweet heat with apple and habanero both coming through. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 52,000 scoville units. I didn’t feel like it was particularly hot. Carissa really enjoyed this one and commented again a day later how much she liked it, and she’s not a big fan of spicy food.
Sauce six was Pepper North’s “Scotch Bonnet & Jerk.” I really liked this one, too. The tasting card lists ginger, allspice, nutmeg, cinnamon, and thyme as key components of the jerk flavor. I believe it. The heat was there, but so was the flavor. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 71,000 scoville units.
Sauce seven was Pepper Ninja’s “Ninja Napalm.” This is the first one where I thought, “okay, that’s actually pretty spicy.” It hits with the heat and the flavor, and then the heat lingers a bit. At this point I went ahead and broke out a yogurt cup and had a few bites. I didn’t love this one, even on the second and third tastings (yes, I went back for more later.) It’s not bad, it’s just a bit more vinegary. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 133,000 scoville units.
There are few things in life that are hyped for years and then still live up to expectations. I dare say that “Da Bomb,” sauce number eight, is one of them. This was “Da Bomb Evolution” rather than “Da Bomb Beyond Insanity.” It. Was. Hot. And it lingered. I tried to douse the flames with the yogurt, but that wasn’t enough. At this point I sped around the in-laws’ kitchen table and grabbed the vanilla ice cream from the freezer. I took a couple scoops, offered it to my brother and my father-in-law (we were the canaries in the coal mine), and promptly ate half the bowl. The ice cream helped massively. The lineup card listed Da Bomb as having 135,600 scoville units. It tasted way hotter than sauce seven’s 133k scoville units.
Having seen the show, I knew that sauce nine wasn’t going to be quite as brutal. It was Fresco Sauce’s “Arbol Scorpion.” I won’t lie to you–this sauce is hot. The lineup card listed this sauce as having 820,000 scoville units. It might have been hotter than Da Bomb. I would believe it. But it wasn’t quite as brutal in how it snuck up on you and then lingered.
Sauce ten, the Last Dab Xperience was… fine. Hot, of course. But doable. Once you’ve survived Da Bomb, you’ve crossed the peak.
As mentioned above, I went back for more. On the first pass through, I was saucing one side of a wing, eating it, and then saucing the other side. After about seven wings and “finishing” the sauce list, I was still hungry. I went back through sauces two through seven, skipped Da Bomb, and tried sauce nine again. Anything between two and six is genuinely delicious and I’d use them any time I’m grilling. Seven I’d use when I personally want some more heat. Nine I’d use when someone else says “I love spicy food, hit me.” Maybe I’d consider putting a teaspoon of Da Bomb into a chili or something–which is what the manufacturer (they’re based in KCK) recommends–but it’s not something I’d serve on a regular basis. The Last Dab is pure heat without much flavor. It’s worth the experience, but I want more flavor with my heat.
Special shout outs to my in-laws for hosting (and tasting (and cooking)), my brother-in-law, my brother, Carissa, our girls, and a couple of the eldest child’s friends who enjoyed the journey with me. Missouri loves company, right?
The whole experience was a lot of fun. I expected more of an ordeal, both during and after, but that wasn’t the case. Maybe we didn’t use enough of sauce on the wings? Except we were coating them pretty well. Maybe the ice cream helped too much? If so, I have no regrets. I’d do the whole thing again, for sure, especially if Sean Evans wants to talk books.