I’m posting this halfway through match week 1, but in my defense I made the rankings on Thursday evening and needed more time to add some snark.
- Manchester City – The machine rolls on until Guardiola gets bored or the 115 charges catch up to them
- Spurs – Second season Ange optimism
- Liverpool – TBD on how the era under Slot goes, but so long as he has Mo Salalalalah running down the wing, I reckon things will go okay
- Arsenal – As low as I could reasonably put them
- Newcastle – Lack of CL helps them climb back up the table
- Chelsea – I’m assuming Maresca figures out a decent 11 out of the 50 odd first team wonderkids they have. Or he gets sacked and Chelsea finish… about 6th
- Villa – Overachieved last season and won’t be able to rotate as much in the CL as they did in the UECL
- Manchester United – Mid-table dross, you love to see it
- Brighton – Three players you’ve never heard of will have them flirting with European qualification and be sold next summer for a combined 200m
- Palace – Seem to be recruiting well and safely mid-table
- Everton – Assuming there isn’t another points deduction, but even if there is Dyches remains a wizard and will keep them up
- Brentford – idk, could be 8th, could be 17th
- Fulham – A mid-table team, but I mean that as a compliment this time
- Forest – Probably overrating them, but I think Nuno will keep them safe
- West Ham – Safe from both relegation and entertainment
- Bournemouth – Could be okay. Could go down with their talisman now at Hotspur Way.
- Leicester – I believe in Winksy
- Wolves – Feels like they might slip on the banana peel this year
- Ipswich – tbqh I don’t know much about them, but what I do know reminds me of 2023/2024 Luton Town, for better and for worse
- Southampton – It had to be someone